family+career

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the more things change…

August 16, 2010 in family+career, life as a writer, living our dreams! | 11 comments

I have been blogging in this space several times a week (ahem…with the exception of this month) for the past two years.

Prior to exhale. return to center. I had two blogs – one on which I documented my days as a writer, yoga teacher, Birth Network founder, aspiring author, who was struggling like heck in the role of stay-at-home-mom, and another where I fancied myself a farmer and nurtured my happy little homesteading dreams.

I remember in the summer of 2008 before I merged the two blogs how things started to feel very uncomfortable.

Through my involvement in our CSA, farming was becoming more and more a part of “every day.” I wanted to find a way to bring everything together and I was searching for the common thread in all that I do.

As I played around with blog platforms and thought about my intended audience and what I wanted to share, I realized that although much of what I share is about my struggles and my shortcomings it is always with the intention of honoring where I am in my growth as a person and continuing to move forward.

And that to do this, I must — on a daily basis — exhale. return to center. 

Earlier this summer, a dear friend shared some wise words with me. ”What we have had to learn and overcome ourselves is our greatest gift to share in our teaching.” 

At the time I remember joking with her that my gift must be being a crazy Type-A perfectionist who is stressed way too much so I can keep learning new ways to recenter myself and share it with others.

Geez. What a gift. I thought.

And yet somewhere in my sarcasm there was truth.

I am not a person who naturally floats through life with peace and equanimity. I am by my very nature a bit restless and unsettled. (I’m told this is one of the things that makes me a good writer.) There is much that I am called to do in this world. I am constantly evolving. Refining. Seeking. Growing.

Although I have been practicing yoga for nearly 15 years now and teaching in one form or another for the past eight years, I am still very much a beginner on this path. I share my days with a runaway train of a mind that I must continually slow down and redirect.

And writing and photography and connecting with all the beautiful Souls who visit this space help me to do just that.

So here I am. Two years and several hundred blog posts later. Life is wonderful and amazing. So many of my dreams are daily realities. And yet still there is discomfort.

For the better part of this year I have been a working mother — a brand new role for me — and as you may have gleaned from my recent (very sparse) blog posts, it has been a major adjustment for me and for our family.

I absolutely love the work that I am doing. I love the ways our world has expanded and our community has grown.

But (of course) this new, very different rhythm in our days has not been without its challenges. And although I’ve been racing around all summer telling myself that I don’t have time to relax and I don’t have time to cook and I don’t have time to blog, that is not true.

No matter how fast I am moving, it only takes one conscious moment to breathe and savor and appreciate and find center.

And the more that I do those things, rather than expending all of my energy feeling stressed (or talking about being stressed) the more time and energy I have for the things I enjoy like cooking and knitting (and riding roller coasters!) and yes – blogging.

So here I am. Dipping my toes back in to this space. Because now, perhaps more than ever, I really need to make space in my days to exhale. return to center.

 

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my mid-summer meltdown

July 28, 2010 in essays+reflections, family+career, farms + food, living our dreams!, the contrast | 24 comments

Where to begin?

I want so much to share the amazingness that is right now, to capture it for myself and my children to look back on years from now but the truth is that it is not all wonderful and amazing. And I want to honor that part of right now too.

Lily, my animal-loving, future veterinarian, is learning to milk cows, to check the animals for signs of stress and to help Farmer Megan walk them to and from their pasture.

This summer is the pure joy of truly living my dreams juxtaposed with extreme exhaustion, collapsing in a pool of tears at the end of a long day, wondering what the hell I am doing and why.

Once a week I meet with Farmer Ashley at our vegetable CSA farm to map out the newsletter for the following week and plan community events – like our first contra dance, which will take place at the end of August. Lily took this picture while we worked.

This spring I sat with my calendar open, looked out at the summer and mentally planned our days – Mondays: meetings in the morning, afternoons at the market; Tuesdays and Wednesdays working from home; Thursdays off from work relaxing with kids; Fridays working at the farms (yes! farms plural – one in the morning and the other in the afternoon); Saturdays organizing and teaching yoga and attending the farmers’ market; and Sundays relaxing and catching up.

I sprinkled in a little summer camp, touched base with all our mothers’ helpers and made plans for the kids to have weekly sleepovers at my parents’. It all felt so doable. So neat and smooth. And so much fun.

Once a week the kids and I drive Farmer Pat’s truck from the farm to the market – a major highlight of the kids’ week!

And sometimes that’s how it feels. Sometimes I feel like superwoman.

Meetings in the morning. Mid-day working at the farm. Washing eggs. Hauling boxes. Driving the farm truck. Unloading the coolers. Setting up for the market. Chatting with our customers and the other vendors.

Lily has taken responsibility for egg sales. She’s starting to remember our customers and which size eggs they like to purchase and is learning to count change.

But sometimes it is anything but fun.

And when I think back to my nice little neat plan I made this spring, I realize that I didn’t factor in the summer heat (100+ degrees at times this month) or torrential rain or the physical exhaustion we would all experience.

I didn’t think about what we would be eating on these long work days and who would be doing laundry (and when???) and how I would keep track of where the heck I stashed the sunscreen.

I forgot that four-year-olds often regress with potty learning, especially when away from home for large periods of time, and that dealing with potty accidents while attempting to wait on customers is not fun at all.

Did you know that Farmers’ Markets are open rain or shine?

This past week I hit a wall.

House guests, traveling co-workers, fast approaching deadlines, last-minute sitter cancellations, all-day weekend events, extreme heat. It was all just too much.

I’ve been here before. John and I call it “the perfect storm.” When a dozen little things come together in just the right way to make everything feel completely and totally overwhelming.

At the farm we call it “the pig pile.”

Whatever you want to call it, these are the moments that can make or break you. And for me they often do both.

No matter what the temperature outside, in our walk-in freezer it is always -20 degrees and I must “suit up” before going in to fill orders. Photo by Quinn.

I remember once my friend and fellow yoga teacher telling me about the end of her marriage and how it led her to yoga. “I had a complete breakdown. And then I had a breakthrough,” she said.

That’s how these perfect storms feel to me.

I break down. I cry. I yell. I swear. I feel sorry for myself. I wonder how the hell I got here. And then at some point, I break through. I name everything that isn’t working. I reach for the best feeling thought I can muster. I make a new plan. I start moving forward again.

And that’s about where I am now. July broke me.  It forced me to get real with myself about who I am and who I am not. To ask myself how much is too much? And what is sustainable – for me and for our family? And to re-examine what it is that I really want. 

It also brought me more deeply into my yoga practice and helped me recommit to attending (a minimum of ) one yoga class a week. And led me to pull in more childcare. And reconvene weekly potluck dinners with friends.

July asked me to say goodbye. And to say I’m sorry (many times). To breathe deep. And dig deep. And keep moving forward.  And take chances. And trust.

This kids and I enjoyed a special late-night moment earlier this week feeding the pigs by the light of the farm truck. As we drove down the farm lane the full moon came up over the trees.

Photos taken with my cell phone.

One particularly challenging day this month, I opened my e-mail to find this. (Do you get wonderful things in your in-box like Daily Quotes, the Daily Groove or Notes from the Universe? And do they come to you at just the right time like this one did for me?)

Overwhelment is about you not being up to speed with what you told the Universe that you want. The Universe is yielding to you. You’re just not ready to receive it right now.   – Abraham

I am ready to step back from overwhelment and move into a place of receiving and flowing with all that I have been asking for and all that has already manifest.

And I have July and my mid-summer meltdown to thank for that. 

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I’m going to step away from this space for a bit while I continue to get myself caught up to speed. I’ll be back in early August to celebrate the two-year anniversary of exhale. return to center. (And I’m going to need your help to do it!) Wishing you a lovely stretch of days.

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gettin’ out of dodge

June 21, 2010 in energy management, family+career | 20 comments

.{ photo by lily. photo effects using picnik by mama. }

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Last year the kids and I, along with a dear family friend, took a road trip to Vermont to celebrate the end of school / beginning of summer. We had so much fun on the trip that we decided that it should be an annual event — a way to mark the transition and settle into the rhythm of summer.

Because the end of school also falls around the time of Father’s Day, a ”Mama and kids trip” also allows us to give the much appreciated gift of a quiet house to a very hard-working Papa.

I wasn’t working at this time last year and planning a trip was a very different experience – something I put a good amount of time and creative energy into. This year we are winging it in a big way. (A common theme around these parts in the last few months.)

Although I was mentally planning our time in Vermont, I neglected to actually pick up the phone and confirm our plans with our hosts. And when I finally did, I learned that they would not be home during our intended visit. Oops.

My work schedule and coordinating with our friend’s family does not leave much flexibility for changing our travel week. So, after a couple of tiny mama meltdowns, I tossed my arms up in the air and decided that instead of visiting Vermont, this year we are heading off via train to explore life in the city!

We do not have an itinerary. We will each carry one and only one backpack.

And in my heart I will hold this intention – to unplug from work, e-mail, cell phones, and to-do lists for 72 hours and be present with my beautiful travel companions. 

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Have a beautiful week, friends.

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 *** Although I will be away, I will still be participating in Rae Grant’s latest book tour. Please stop back here on Wednesday to learn a little bit more about Rae and enter for a chance to win her latest book, Homemade Fun!  ***

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calling time out

June 14, 2010 in energy management, family+career, living our dreams! | 11 comments

 

I love watching my kids when they are engrossed in play. They run like wild in this direction and that and then somewhere along the line one of them yells Time out!

And just like that, everything stops. 

They instantly switch out of their roles as dog catchers or eagles hunting for prey. Their voices change from growls and roars to casual spoken observations like, “I have to go to the pee.” or “Let’s ask Mama if we can have ice cream.”

A few minutes later someone yells Time in! and their play resumes.

I have been running like wild for weeks now.

Writing. Blogging. Teaching. Taking photos. Washing eggs. Working at the market. Organizing CSA pick-ups. Hosting parties. Hanging signs. Running workshops. Attending meetings. Returning phone calls. Writing e-mails. Learning how to milk cows. And how to write grants. Trying to figure out how to keep my family healthy, happy, fed, clothed and (at least occasionally) bathed while working long days.

Plus…Dancing. Singing. And learning to play the guitar.

Loving every moment of this dream-come-true life that I am living.

But still…Running. Running. Running.

I realized over the weekend thanks to a few fairly critical (and fairly costly) balls that were dropped and a grocery store mama-meltdown that had perfect strangers scrambling to help get me and my kids through the line and out of the store, that I need to step back and call Time out.

I can keep powering on full speed ahead – fueling myself with energy nuggets, avocados, and almonds while in constant motion – for a while. But at what cost?

This week marks the end of the school year for my children. And we have some special people to celebrate this coming weekend – namely a girl who is turning six, a Papa, who in addition to working full time himself, is absolutely rockin’ the homefront while I’m burning the midnight oil at the farm or in front of this screen, and a Grandpa, who on more than a few occasions has found himself working at a farm with his daughter or helping her to chase down random tools or parts that are needed for whatever project is top priority for the day.

Which is all just a long way of saying - something’s got to give. And this week it is the blog. I hope you all have a wonderful, peace-filled week. I’ll likely be back on Friday with a photo or two from the week. And I’ll definitely be back next week to share a special author interview and book giveaway!

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Be well friends.

we all work together

June 7, 2010 in community, family+career, farms + food, living our dreams! | 11 comments

Things are in full swing at the two farms where I work. And often, despite all of our best efforts, we do not manage to finish all that needs to be done and I find myself driving to one farm or the other on my days off to pitch in and help out.

It doesn’t always work out, but John and I generally try to include the kids in our evening and weekend work activities whenever possible in an effort to preserve some semblance of family time while still meeting the demands of our jobs.

And this summer the kids and I will take our shared work to a new level when we work alongside each other one afternoon at a Farmers’ Market and later in the week when we will take our turn milking three Jersey cows (due any day now!!!!!).

I will be the first to admit that bringing my children to work with me is not always easy. And it has required me to (once again) re-evaluate my feelings about computer screens and portable DVD players, which on some days are a welcome relief to overtired, cranky kids (and their overtired, cranky mama) grumbling and growling at each other.

I also have one full day of childcare in place for the summer so I can do my writing and office work and will have one of our wonderful mother’s helpers with us for at least one of our shared work days. And the kids will be attending a couple of weeks of summer camp, both at their school and at one of the farms where I work.

(Just wanted to get all of that out there so as not to create any sort of illusion that I am “doing it all” without any help or without any struggle ’cause that’s just not the case.)

But…there are also these amazing moments that are happening more and more frequently. Moments where I am watching my children unfold into their lives as farm kids, working alongside the adults, caring for the animals, and taking pride in all that we are doing…

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…and I’m am reassured that it is possible to co-create the life of our dreams. Together. As a family.

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where i’m at

March 3, 2010 in family+career, life as a writer, living our dreams! | 19 comments

It’s kind of a weird thing, when you blog daily - or almost-daily - and then you take a little break from it. (Thanks for your well-wishes, by the way. I am feeling much better.) I was driving home the other day thinking how long it’s been since I’ve written a real blog post and wondering where the heck to begin. 

There are SO many wonderful things going on in my world right now. Some I am not quite ready to share and other things I just can’t wait another minute to tell you!

Like, for example, that I have a new job!

Although the basic set up in this photo — laptop, water bottle, and notebooks sprawled out at the coffee shop (Java Madness for those who are local) — is nothing new, the difference is that I have finally managed to somehow stumble my way into the magical world of paid writing! 

For some time now I’ve been dreaming up a little consulting business.

Something that would allow me to use the many skills I’ve acquired over the last 15+ years in a way that works for our family and feels right in my heart. A way for me to work with others who are starting and expanding sustainable, heart-centered small businesses that utilizes my writing, photography, marketing, networking and community-building skills.

And so I’ve been doodling little logos and tag lines in my notebooks. And imagining myself working with farmers and yoga teachers and healers and artists and craftspeople. And feeling SO excited by all the possibilities.

I hadn’t really told too many people about it. I’ve just been kind of privately savoring this next step that feels so right and trusting that it would come together in Divine timing. 

And that’s just what happened. A couple of weeks ago, while sipping coffee with a good friend and chatting about the weather (we do that a lot here in New England), he looked up at me and said something like…

This might sound kind of crazy, but I really need help with marketing and keeping in touch with my customers and creating a website and writing newsletters and…would you maybe be interested in working for me?

Crazy is not at all how it sounded. It sounded absolutely wonderful.

In addition to coffee shops and libraries, I’ve been setting up my mobile office at the laundry mat.

That’s right. We still have well issues. Holding tank issues actually. And the only real issue at this point is figuring out how to pay for a new tank, which is why it’s all the more wonderful that while I am sitting at the laundry mat waiting for our clothes I am also working.

And taking plenty of short breaks to study this book, The Knitted Farmyard, because I just can’t bear to hear my sweet girl tell one more person that her Mama is knitting a farm for her, when her Mama hasn’t actually done anything more than buy the toothpick-size needles it calls for and break out into a sweat every time she thinks about trying to knit something on them.

So there you go. Teeny-tiny-knitting. Public laundering. And joyfully working. 

That’s where I’m at.

How about you? What’s happening in your world?

school vacation slow down

February 17, 2010 in at home, energy management, family+career | 11 comments

Mothers’ Circles. Panel Discussions. Exciting new consulting projects. Another Mothers’ Retreat in the works. And of course the 2nd Annual Evening of Refreshment, which is one week from Saturday!!!!

Yeah. There’s a LOT going on in my world right now. And it’s all really, really wonderful.

But it is also school vacation week for my kids. And so I’m stepping back from the computer a bit and trusting that the Universe will keep things moving smoothly while I enjoy these days with my little ones. 

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Hope you are having a wonderful week.

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(The book in the last photo, by the way, is an absolute treasure.)

the greatest gift

January 15, 2010 in essays+reflections, exhale audio, family+career | 24 comments

I wrote this piece in the summer of 2008 and have been wanting to share it with you in audio format since I read it last year during the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Power Moms book tour.

I have read bits and pieces of my work at writing workshops and during my yoga classes, but last May, at the library I grew up visiting as a child, was the first time I read I read one of my finished pieces from start to finish in front of an audience.

It was a powerful experience. 

After I read, a mother I didn’t know came up to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for speaking what she felt in her heart. She said I was very brave and she was very grateful.

A few minutes later another mother, this one older, perhaps even a grandmother, hugged me and said she remembers feeling all the things I described and that going back to work was the best decision she ever made for her family.

I share this with you today, as a gift to a dear friend, with whom I shared a powerful tear-filled phone call earlier this week. And for my beautiful Lilia Hope, who recently learned - with visible relief and excitement - that she can be a veterinarian and a mama when she grows up.

the greatest gift :: audio | text

in this moment

January 4, 2010 in family+career, mindful moments, parenting | 8 comments

It has been great having John home with us since Christmas. Really great. Today he returns to work and we will all begin easing our way back into the rhythm of everyday.

I’m looking forward to sharing my contribution to the One Small Change project created by Hip Mountain Mama, hosting my first Mamaste Mothers’ Circle this Friday, announcing the amazing, just-confirmed line-up for my 2nd Annual Evening of Refreshment, and sharing some very special interviews and giveaways with you.

But not just yet.

Right now I am meditating on these inspiring words shared by Rachel at 6512 and Growing and trying to stay present to what is.

And right now what is includes two beautiful children with one more week of school vacation and a whole lot of snow for us to play in and photograph and be mesmerized by as we watch it fall outside our window like we’re in some kind of giant inside-out snow globe.

Wishing us all moments of peace and presence in this first week, of the first month, of this new year.

it is good to sit

December 2, 2009 in essays+reflections, family+career, life as a writer | 21 comments

Thank you all so very much for your words of support. I have been reading (and re-reading) each and every comment and e-mail and I am so grateful for your words.

Lily and I have had many wonderful heart-to-heart conversations and I am clear on what she feels okay with me sharing here.

She is fine with me sharing photos and stories and even her books and art…but not her tough stuff. The stuff that makes her feel different. The stuff that she, and we as a family, are trying to understand.

We visited our favorite tree farm this past weekend. After Papa cut the tree we counted rings to see how old our tree was.

I will of course honor her wishes.

And yet at the same time I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give each other, most especially as mothers, is to open our hearts and share our stories.

It has always been my goal in my teaching and writing to be honest and authentic and to honor the incredible depth and breadth of emotions life evokes within us. And so I feel a strong need to acknowledge that we and our children and our partners and our parents have tough stuff that we are all trying to make sense of.

Because when we only share the joyful snapshots with each other, it’s easy to feel like you are the only one hurting or struggling. And that is such a lonely feeling.

But thanks to my brave girl’s words, some time to reflect and the wonderful insights you all shared, it is clear to me that a publicly viewable blog (and in our case one that is read by many people in our children’s immediate circle from teachers to neighbors to our pediatrician, and at the same time is directly linked to my professional work) is simply not the right place to talk about the details of the tough stuff.

To make room for our tree we moved Veterinarian Farm from the playroom to the computer room.

For nearly three years now I have been saying that I’m ”writing a book” and this is true. In fact I have solid concepts, marketing plans, notes and outlines for a number of books.

But that’s it.

From time to time people ask me how my book is coming and I smile and nod and say that it is “coming along”. The truth is that I stare at a blank computer screen for a few minutes every day and then quickly find other more pressing projects — daily blogging being one of the biggest.

I have also been calling myself a freelance writer since I left my office job when Lily was born. And while this is certainly true, I am not writing to my full potential. I had two pieces rejected by magazines earlier this year and I let those rejections really set me back.

We moved the kitchen table back into the “dinette” that has been the playroom and we discovered that we really like it there.

On Saturday night John and I had “Thanksgiving – Take Two” in our new dining room while my parents graciously babysat our kids at their house. Two days earlier the words John and I expressed to each other were far from the spirit of holiday.  

While our children played outside, one of us said something in the wrong tone that unleashed weeks of pent up anger and frustration. We went our separate ways for a good part of the day and eventually called a Thanksgiving Truce, driving to my parents’ house in near silence and avoiding each other for the entire visit.

We discovered that we really like having open space in our living room for yoga and dancing and snuggling by the fire and napping in the sun.

We need to make some changes in our family.

It’s time for me to shift my focus. It’s time for me to push through my fears and submit articles for publication so I can relieve my husband of some of the heavy financial burden he has been carrying alone for five-and-a-half years.

It’s time for us to get our house in order so we don’t come unglued by missing shoes and misplaced tools. It’s time for me to start writing — really writing — the many books I have been holding in my heart.

 I paused to sit and smile alongside my clutter and Christmas lights before we headed out the door for school yesterday. I think I will do this more often. It feels good!

Things will need to change here a little. I might be posting a little less frequently. Sometimes I will need to share more photos than words. Other times it will be words without photos. But I will still be here taking deep breaths and tender first steps on this next leg of the journey.

Thank you you so much for being here with me.

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