sitting here in limbo

Although I don’t blog, I remember when you and Jill were younger, you both would get upset if I shared personal stories with family members and friends. I can’t imagine how upset you would have been had those stories been posted on-line. Selfishly, I enjoy reading your stories but I understand that you need to honor the needs and privacy of your family. I know you will work through this and find a way to use this space that feels right for you and your family and keeps your readers coming back!

I don’t blog, BUT I know how much I look FORWARD to your posts!

I would be soo sad not to see them any more.

It’s hard to put into words (esp. when I’ve got a crawling babe on my lap) but your post & photos REALLY brighten my days!

I was sad not to read some from this week.. I was getting worried and trying to find your ph # to call to see if you were ok.. I understand your need for reflection and space. Sending you much love & light to guide you into the right decision for you. xoxo

I bet you didn’t see that coming!

I will share a story with you. Chloe has always been a free thinker. She does not like princesses as other girls do and has always dressed in her own way and is just her own “being” which we love. For Halloween last year she was a Halloween sprite and wore a beautiful red cape with a bat headband and beautiful face paint. A few days before Halloween we had a parade at her brother’s school so she wore her costume and the first person who saw her said “Are you little red riding hood?” and she froze. I told the person what she was and I could tell she had tensed up. Then some of the kids saw her and said “what are you?” and she said, “I don’t know” and my heart started to break. She kept answering the same way until finally she said, “Mom, I’m Little Red Riding Hood”. I wanted to scream at everyone how unfair it had been to make this child who had never question herself, start to question herself. We had a long talk about it, but in the end on Halloween she was Little Red Riding Hood and had ditched the bat headband and face paint, and simply carried a little basket. I was heart broken, she was happy that everyone knew what she was and she wasn’t at risk of feeling bad.

She had just turned 6 when that happened and I was sure that her self confidence would be lost forever. Well, it wasn’t, but she really needed me to back off the lectures about being yourself and just let her be Little Red Riding Hood. This year for Halloween she was a bat with a scarf for wings and a baby bat on her headband and she was adorable. She was self confident and she was what she needed to be.

They change so much every day as I am reminded when I look back at photos from just last year. When my heart was hurting so much for the girl who’s confidence I thought had been lost, I really thought she would never return. It was my lesson as much as hers.

Perhaps this is a chance for you to put yourself out there more, as in this lovely photo. Us mamas love to see other children but we also need to see more of the mama’s life and thoughts and dreams and pictures.

Much love to you.

She is a very smart girl to know her own mind and feelings so clearly, and you are a kind and considerate mama. You are both lucky to have each other.

The main way I have gotten around these issues of privacy is to not reveal my children’s names — I use their initials instead and I use a pseudonym for myself. While I have a few pangs about not being completely forthcoming with my readers, I balance it out with the privacy it gives us all and the freedom that privacy gives me to say those things I really need or want to say. This, however, cannot be much help to you as your names are already known. I do hope you continue to write because I enjoy the calm this space provides.

Hi Erin, what a hard thing. I would respect your daughter. I write about my boys sometimes but they can’t read yet. My daughter who’s 11 is a little sensitive about giving her credit for things I put on my blog that she’s created. (of course! I would too) Have you thought about letting her start her own blog? Best wishes! xo Kyndale

Please do not beat yourself up about this. It’s good that you and Lily have the kind of relationship where you can be honest with each other. She has stated her choices, and now you have to opportunity to respect them. I remember as a child, my mother talking about me as if I weren’t even in the room, and it used to embarrass the daylights out of me. Good for you for respecting her wishes.

As far as my own blog goes, I try to write more about my own experience. I have written and deleted many a post because I felt that it was too personal to share. For me, my blog isn’t really about parenting per se, but more about my own personal journey as a mama. Hope you can find your voice again. I really like how you view the world.

This is not a tough one in theory, but a tough one (for me) in practice.

They’re separate people, with the right to tell their own life story. However, inasmuch as my life intersects with theirs, I have a right to tell *my* life story that will include pieces (or my interpretation of pieces) of theirs. Basically, I want to treat them as I treat my husband.

I also always think of what Meryl Streep said when asked why she hardly ever talks about her children. She said something along the lines of “I don’t want to use my children to make myself interesting.” (can’t find the exact quote right now)

In reality, it’s very different. As a homeschooling mom of three little ones with no outside job … well, these kids *are* my life right now. Sure, I’m doing my sewing and farming and gardening and I’m taking some college classes, but right now, my life is raising three little humans, so those humans make it into my blog. I always talk to my older child about what I post, and I’ve started talking to my middle girl about posts about her also. I fully expect my middle child to shut me down in a few years, if not sooner, but my older child loves it and even suggests things for me to post. She obviously doesn’t understand the ‘bigness’ of an internet audience, but I’ll keep her in the loop.

If I do talk about hard times with them, it’s never, EVER from a “those little monsters” viewpoint, humorously written or not. It’s always about my inner work with frustration and limits and parenting.

oh, erin. i am sending a huge virtual mamma hug your way. how upsetting for both lily and you, for different reasons.

perhaps my daughter is reaching this age soon, although not quite. honestly, i had thought about it, although not entirely from her perspective. i, like many bloggers, post in cycles on what is relevant in my life. i only post bits and pieces, but i post honestly, both positively and negatively, and recently, a lot of those posts have been about my kids and my struggles. it is a huge outlet for me, gets others sharing, which i find helpful, documents it for myself, and feels truthful and real. while it occurred to me to be careful about how i portray my daughter (some of my readers DO know her in real life), it hadn’t occurred to me that she might be old enough to care or be embarrassed.

how mature of lily to recognize and what a huge honor it is to your relationship with her that she feels comfortable communicating it with you.

i suppose i am rather new to reading your blog, but it has quickly become one of my favorites because of how real what you share is. your mothering is such an integral part of you, your life, and one of the bits of your blog i so appreciate.

perhaps try and talk with lily about which parts you share that she prefers remain private. explain what a huge part of your life she and quinn are and that you are proud of her and want to share part of that on your blog, then get permission from her about what can be shared. projects you have worked on? her school? maybe sharing how she resolves her own struggles is too private for her, but there are other things she might be proud to share with your blog world.

huge hugs, again.
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com

Hi Erin,
I think one thing that is a bit different for us from your situation is that I have tried to keep my blog relatively private from people I know. I never quite understood why I had that inclination, but I do feel uncomfortable when people say, “Oh, yeah, I read that on your blog!” I’m thankful that the readers who I know in real life don’t often bring up my blog in person, especially in front of the kids.

That said, I’ve always had this issue in the back of my mind/heart, since I’ve heard from other writers who’ve gone through this transition. I remember the author of Birdy and Ben became less inclined to write about her children as they got older, and there was a piece in Brain, Child a while back by another writer about the same issue of respecting our children’s privacy (and having to find new “material”).

I’ve tried to find a balance by writing from my own perspective and to not write things that seem disrespectful of my kids’ point of view or experience. That said, I do have a category on my blog specifically about the things my kids say and I do write about conversations we have or the things they do. Like you, I share them in the spirit of joy and/or learning. But, even if it is all positive or for positive reasons, I cannot escape that my kids really are the final arbiters of whether or not to share their stories. I’ve built my parenting around respecting their autonomy — am I being hypocritical by publishing their stories? Another thing I can’t quite get my head around is why there seems to be an age at which things shift. If it seems inappropriate to write about them at age six or eight, why not at three?

My sons are six and three, and they both know that I am a writer. My oldest son knows I have a blog and understands that I blog about our life (my husband and even my kids will say, “you should put that on the blog!”)… your post is inspiring me to explore my thoughts on this issue further, and to talk to my older son about it.

Oh E, I understand completely. I write very little about Noah now– no more “personal” stuff, because when he turned 10 it felt like the stories I had to share about him were no longer *mine* to share. When I do want to share something that is more “him” now, I ask first, and when I’ve written what I’m going to post, I let him read it. Sometimes (like when his best friend moved to Alaska) he says “yes, please. That is just how I feel and maybe some other kid’s mom will read it and it will help them if they are going through the same thing.” Other times, it is a simple “no. I don’t think I want that up for the world to see.” Either way, I don’t act like it is a big deal– simply thank him for allowing me to share in his journey…because in the end, that is what matters. Every child is different, and Lily did a beautiful thing by telling you exactly how she felt– and you did an even more beautiful thing by respecting her and taking some time to think about all of this. I come to this space to read about your mothering journey– but also to simply read the thoughts and growths of a person who is making her way through this world. Perhaps when something comes up that includes mention of Lily that you would like to write, simply read it to her first– she may feel empowered and you two may continue to grow your relationship because of that connection…I know Noah and I have… Take a week. Continue to take those breaths. You are one in-tune mama, Erin, and you’ll navigate back. Trust your feelings, and tell your truths. Hugs!

Erin, Zeb is 10 and asked me about 6 months go to not blog about him. Anything I do put on the blog related to our experiences is run by him first. Generally speaking if he thinks it will help other families, he’s okay with it. But certainly nothing that might embarass him.

I realize now I’ve never really mentioned that on my blog. I think I will now, just to get it out there.

I think it’s really important to respect our children. If something comes up that you really want to share, perhaps she’ll be okay with it or perhaps you can find a different way of approaching it in your writing.

It’s not always easy and many times it’s meant not blogging certain things that I really wanted to share or find support on, etc. But his privacy is important to him, and thus to me.

I would have felt awful if Abby had said this – you poor thing Erin. It is an interesting issue.

One of my favourite newspaper columnists – Susan Hacking – here in Brisbane spent 15 or so years writing about being a woman, motherhood and her children. As weekly readers of the largest newspaper in the state, we all read about her daughters, their quirkiness, daily life and special events. I vividly remember Susan writing about her youngest daughter’s last day of high school, ironing the uniform and making it to the last day of school with the hat band intact. I really felt that we had come to an end of an era, and soon after – it could have been a couple of months, or a couple of years, I don’t remember – Susan ceased writing her column. I’m not suggesting this change was because her children were now grown up, but certainly, her daughters – and in a wider world – the life of “daughters” and where they are positioned in our community, how they are treated and valued etc. – were the themes of her column and for me, what made it wonderful reading.

Abby is relaxed about my blog and posts I write that include her – parenting is not the main focus of my blog, but she is the main focus of my life and recipieint of almost everything I do, so it’s inevitable she would appear. She reads it sometimes, not often, and I do ask her about sensitive things before writing. If she was not happy, I would not write about it. But that would make me sad, because she is such a huge part of my life.

Oh dear, what a conundrum. If we are writing about ourselves, it is inevitable that a little bit of our little ones creeps into our accounts or it simply wouldn’t be the real picture. Hmmm, I agree with previous comments – it is important to respect Lily’s feelings, but I wouldn’t see it as a permanent thing. Let it go for a while, and focus on the lovely you :-) and then when Lily does something lovely, ask her if you could share some of this on your blog, because you are really touched by it.

I love your blog Erin, and really enjoy that which you share – I’m a great believer in sharing – it makes our world a richer and more compassionate place. :-)

Erin,

It seems as though you have many thoughtful, inspired comments here–and I apologize if I don’t offer anything new.

The blog that I create was set up as a gift to the boys–something they could look back on and read and enjoy. So, when I write, it is with that intention. That being said, I am sure I have written posts or parts of posts that they will question later. I am okay with that–as a writer and a mother. When we put our writing out there, we subject it to questioning, criticism.

Of course, these are our children–and we would not do anything willingly to hurt or offend them. Oscar is becoming aware that I write a blog–he sees it on the screen, including the photos. Most times these days, though, to get a photo of Oscar and/or Edgar, I have to ask. Unless they aren’t aware of my photographing them, they are fast requiring permission. No problem there–I feel the same way. So, they have a sense that when I photograph them it appears somewhere later on the computer.

Lily is entitled to her feelings, her opinions–and you are entitled to create. Knowing you, you will find the middle ground, a path that makes sense for both of you.

Wishing you well as you contemplate this . . .

Samantha

Erin,
I have come to this story late and have read all of the comments and see a lot of insight and compassion for your situation. I don’t know that I can add much to the beauty and wisdom already shared, but I wanted to let you know that I too am thinking of you.
I see in your next post that you are really taking this seriously and respecting Lily’s wishes. She is a lucky girl, both to have a Mother who respects her desires (I know it should be the norm, but isn’t always the case). And Lily is also luck to have been mothered by you and therefore is strong and certain enough of herself to articulate how she feels about such a big subject at such a tender age.
I have been absent for your blog for a little while, but the story you shared that upset Lily was the last I read and has come back to me time after time in the days since I read it. I was just blown away by her maturity and understanding of her own needs. I am sure I am still not so in touch with myself. To know that she needed to calm and center herself and to be able to express that she knew how to do that and that’s what she was doing. Sure other kids may retreat to an activity that they desire in a similar situation, but I don’t know any who could articulate why they were doing it. Or many Mothers who would ask why they were doing that instead of just hitting the roof and increasing the tension for the child.
I guess some of the reasons I return here to your blog have been clarified for me by writing this comment. I am inspired by the way you mother, humbled to hear you, a mother I admire so much, still second guesses yourself and your skills and is always growing and learning. I love the sense of calm and respect that emanate from this space.
I must admit, I have noticed how private some of the moments you share are and I enjoy being included in these snippets, but shy away myself from including my Little Guy as much in my blog. That said my blog is more about my creativity and I am only new to blogging and am still finding my way. I don’t use his name in my blog or in any linked comments and never use identifying photos of him. I was often embarrassed by stories my Mother would share with friends and family as I was growing up and am super sensitive to try to avoid making Little Guy fell that way I did.
I am still not at a place with my Mother where I could be as upfront and honest with her as Lily was with you (this kid has seriously got it all over me in the maturity and getting it together stakes!) I am sure that because you have instilled such great skills and awareness in her and you can both talk honestly and openly you two will get through this and you will both be stronger and wiser for the experience. I am sorry to hear won’t be sharing as much of Lily’s journey as I really loved reading about what and amazing girl she is.
I look forward to seeing what direction you take your blog in and am confident that it will still be a place of peace and learning that I and many other enjoy returning to time and time again.
I hope you are finding a soft place in your belly about this.
Kylie