I wrote this piece in the summer of 2008 and have been wanting to share it with you in audio format since I read it last year during the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Power Moms book tour.
I have read bits and pieces of my work at writing workshops and during my yoga classes, but last May, at the library I grew up visiting as a child, was the first time I read I read one of my finished pieces from start to finish in front of an audience.
It was a powerful experience.
After I read, a mother I didn’t know came up to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for speaking what she felt in her heart. She said I was very brave and she was very grateful.
A few minutes later another mother, this one older, perhaps even a grandmother, hugged me and said she remembers feeling all the things I described and that going back to work was the best decision she ever made for her family.
I share this with you today, as a gift to a dear friend, with whom I shared a powerful tear-filled phone call earlier this week. And for my beautiful Lilia Hope, who recently learned - with visible relief and excitement - that she can be a veterinarian and a mama when she grows up.
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thank you denise. your words mean a lot to me.
~erin
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THANK YOU, Erin, for making yourself vulnerable and for speaking your authentic truth. The timing of this is perfect ~ absolutely perfect~ for me, as I make a big decision for my family in dropping off my kids with another unschooling family one day a week so I can get more time to do the things I love.
Your saying is often one I repeat to myself as well ~ it’s so true!
Thank you for this, for your honesty, your timing, and for you.
Our tear-filled phone conversation validated, encouraged, and comforted me so much. THANK YOU!
I love you.
Kate´s last blog ..My Everyday Magic 1/15/2010
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i love you too, my beautiful friend!!!
~erin
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You’ve brought me to tears. So much of what you said rings true. Especially right at this moment when I feel like a shrew. I keep waiting for my youngest to start school so that I can go “back” to work. My problem lies in being too practical and in not knowing what work makes my heart sing. But I’m not really happy and I need to find some way and some thing that helps me to be happy — to fully be myself. I’m not sure what that is exactly, but I need it. Thank you for sharing this with us and for helping me know that I am not alone, or a bad mother, for wanting something for myself.
Ivy´s last blog ..Little Moments-
i can very much relate to what you wrote. especially this:
“But I’m not really happy and I need to find some way and some thing that helps me to be happy — to fully be myself.”
i was in a very similar place a couple of years ago and one of the things that really helped me was the artist’s way by julia cameron.
my friend organized a small group of us and we met at panera bread one night a week to discuss the book and work our way through the process.
it was a hugely transformative experience for me. if you’ve never done it, i highly recommend organizing a group. (post signs at a yoga studio, library, on craig’s list etc.)
thank you so much for your honesty. you are definitely not alone…and definitely not a bad mother! not by a long stretch.
~erin
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I’ve listened. It’s beautiful. I love how you read.
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thank you katy.
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what a beautiful piece, erin.
i have been a working mom and i have been a stay-at-home mom. for me, being a SAHM has been much much harder. i came home when my grant funded job ended (while i was on maternity leave following my second child’s birth. he is now 2).
for me, being home has been much much harder than working. leaving my daughter everyday was really hard, partly because i returned to work too soon after her birth, but being with my children all the time and having no mental space for ME was very difficult.
i blogged about it. A LOT.
it wasn’t until i wiggled my way into this crafting world that i began to have a little piece of reward that was mine alone. and i have made that piece bigger over time and am now happier being home.
but my ideal would be part time work. i am one who believes that my children having other adults they adore and trust is incredibly important. i have watched my daughter become MORE shy since i came home and she had fewer interactions with others. perhaps coincidence. perhaps not.i do know and feel so very, very strongly, that each family has to choose what is right for them in so many areas and this is just one. there is too much judgment SAHM vs WOHM, which i just don’t understand. neither is easy. both come with rewards. both come with a price.
hugs to you,
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com
nicola@which name?´s last blog ..meditation-
i recenlty listened to a great intervie with amanda soule. (it’s from a couple of years ago, but you can find it on her blog under “press”.)
it was a really candid discussion and she shared that she used crafting to help pull herself out of post-partum depression and keep herself sane in the early years of parenting.
i totally agree with you about there being way too much judgment. there are *so* many unique variables that each parent has to take into consideration. there just can’t possibly be one “right way.”
~erin
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How unbelievably appropriate to my life right now!
Thank you so much for sharing.
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you are welcome my beautiful friend!
:-)~erin
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Thanks Erin,
Once again your words come to me with perfect timing. I am struggling with the idea of having the Little Guy attend family daycare one day a week so I can have a little time to focus on my painting. I entered into role of Mother imagining that it was a full time position until school began, but to have a little time for myself now is so appealing. I just need to get past the guilty feeling of it being so appealing. Your words will help, I shall reread them a few times over the next few days and hopefully I will find the courage to make the big phone call on Monday.
Kylie
Kylie´s last blog ..Taking a deep breath….-
we began with a family daycare (two years ago) and it was a very positive experience for all of us.
wishing you all the best as you find what works for you and your family…
~erin
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I am about to take a 12 week break to have our second child- today was my last day. So many people ask me if I’m excited to be off work, to be “free” and while there is a part of me that is excited to have only one main thing to focus on- my daughter and her addition into our family- it was so tough to say goodbye to my other kids- my students- and hear their, “I’ll miss yous” because I will so miss them.
I am a better mother because I, like you, have realized that I have to take care of myself, follow my passions and dreams, in order to be a better mother. Even though I know this and feel this deeply, I too feel the need to justify my love for my children.
Great piece, Erin. You are a beautiful writer!
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thank you so much for this, kelly.
sending lots of love to you as you get ready to welcome your new little one…
~erin
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I am grateful for your honesty. It’s hard for me to always admit that my children don’t fulfill me completely. (They tend to take so much from me, HA!) I know for me, having young kids has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I haven’t worked outside the home in 11 years. I was raised by a workaholic single mother who went so far to the other side. I didn’t feel like we were anywhere at the top of her priorities. So, as a stay at home mom, I am trying to find the balance. I have found that yoga three days a week has been so important for me. I would love to have my youngest go to the local Waldorf school but we aren’t in the position to afford it. So, for now, I have to find ways to fill my cup that doesn’t cost too much!
kyndale´s last blog ..the squeaky wheel-
thank you kyndale for your honest words. i appreciate them greatly.
~erin
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I have been lurking here on your blog and loving it for the last several months but today I just have leave you a comment to say thank you for sharing these thoughts on working. I, too, have been home with 2 kids for 4 years and lately I’ve really felt like I was going a bit crazy. Then I decided to start looking for work for this coming fall and while i am really excited for me, the Guilt has hit like a ton of bricks. Thank you for Expressing so eloquently exactly what I needed to hear right now.
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thanks chelsea…for delurking and for sharing your thoughts. i’m glad my words resonated with you and wish you all the best as you find what works for you and your family.
~erin
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Erin,
Thank you for the gift of your honesty.My children both go to wonderful places (preschool and home daycare) a couple mornings each week and we all benefit greatly. I love being with them more because we have space from each other. If I did not have this space, I would be seriously loony (more loony :) Plus, I am greatful to have time to nurture my non-motherhood related happiness on those mornings.
6512 and growing´s last blog ..A Good Death -
Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and putting into words what I think many mothers are feeling. Your essay (I listened to you reading it) really touched me. I love the quote that you put over your kitchen sink – it is so true. I have been staying home the past year with my almost four year old daughter and my newborn son, and I am often experiencing feelings similar to the ones that you describe. I would like to be a more patient and happier mommy, and yell less. And I have realized that giving myself some space to be creative, or just quiet, really helps. Right now I treasure these moments at night, when my little ones are in bed, and I can let my thoughts wander and stretch.
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i listened to you read this essay as tears poured out of my eyes. you are giving voice to some thoughts i keep trying to hide. i do love my three boys, but most days lately, i end the day thinking, “they are taking the life right out of me”. and i hate myself for it. i want them to grow up with a woman who was as you said, “the fullest expression of herself”. with one in kinder, one in five hours a week preschool and a 14 mo old, i have precious few moments to even think my own thoughts. and now four years into staying home full-time, i feel fuzzy-brained and pretty incapable of doing anything other than cashier at Target. but just hearing your courage to share these complex emotions of motherhood gives me courage and allows me some breathing space to consider giving the same words real weight in my life. thank you.
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