I’ve been feeling very quiet this week. More reflective.
Being away at conferences/workshops always has this affect on me — or is it effect? I don’t know. I never know. I have to look it up every. single. time. and today I just don’t feel like taking the time…
This week there is something more.
Every Friday afternoon I get an e-mail report from my website host. On it I can see things like how many people visit my blog, when they visit, and what websites they come to my site from.
Earlier this week, as I looked over my stats there was an unusual spike in hits coming from a particular website. As I always do, I went to check it out. Normally this is a positive experience that leads me to kindred spirits and wonderful new connections via the amazing World Wide Web.
But this time was different. This time it took me to a discussion forum and a multi-page thread, started by someone who said they know me, with the sole purpose of mocking me, my blog and most specifically my amateurish and annoying photographs.
It didn’t take me long, thanks to the wonders of technology, to figure out exactly who started the thread that directed several hundred bored, sarcastic, critical eyes to my blog.
And the image of this person, whom I consider a friend, and his wife, a very good friend with whom I have collaborated personally and professionally, “pissing themselves laughing” as they scroll through my blog that just gets “weirder and weirder” stung like hell.
It still does.
It feels like a punch in the gut.
And I found myself questioning why the heck I am doing this – putting my heart and soul and my family “out there” like this, sharing our joys and our struggles, exposing our messes, and photo-documenting our days.
And I really seriously considered just giving up on the whole thing…my farm dreams, my writing career, the yoga retreats, the mother’s circles, the birth network forums, and all the books in my heart that I have been outlining and visualizing and scribbling notes about over the years.
And I said things to myself like…I need to just stop pretending that I am a writer or a photographer…or that I have any clue what I am doing as a mother or a wife or a yoga teacher…or that I have anything of value to offer.
But the thing is. I know that’s not true.
I know in my heart that I am a writer and an artist and a community leader and a healer and a powerful networker who brings people together to collaborate and expand. I know that the words and photographs I share here inspire people and give them hope that they too can create the life of their dreams.
I know this because I get so many beautiful comments and e-mails from people who tell me how my words inspire them and give them permission to feel their dreams and take steps towards living their dreams.
But even if none of that were true. Even if no one read my words or cared about my life, I need to do this for me.
I need to take pictures when I feel like I’m going to totally lose it with my kids. I need to find every bit of beauty that I can in our home that is chronically enveloped in clutter and our yard that is one giant “to-do” list.
I need to visit farms and talk to farmers and dream about “some day” when we have our happy, quirky little homestead and we’re growing and raising a good portion of our own food, and John and I are both doing work that we love and are enjoying our time together as a couple and as a family.
And I need to spend time appreciating all that we already have. And how far we have come. And how blessed we are.
And I really just need a place that I can fully and completely be the fullest expression of who I am.
And so, with the full understanding that there will be those who will laugh at me. And sometimes it will be people I thought were my friends. And sometimes it will hurt. And sometimes I will cry…
I’m going to keep moving forward and living my dreams and being me anyway.
{self-portrait taken today at the top of the ferris wheel at the county fair}
Love and Light to all…
~Erin
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Your title says it all Erin, all we can be is ourselves and I appreciate so much that you are true to who you are! The light you shine in this space and in your community is felt deeply your writing your photos are all pieces of you and your days that we are blessed with seeing. Isn’t that what blogging is all about? None of us claim to be *perfect* at what we do in these spaces but more so sharing our love in life our take on things what makes us unique and that is where the beauty comes in, something so little can touch a persons life in a huge transformative way. And then there are things that are much bigger that are shared and in in turn creativity is inspired and way of life is nurtured. I love the things that you share and put your heart into. You are kind and beautiful thanks for so generously sharing yourself with us Erin, I know I am happy to know you! It truly is a shame that this pain was brought to you through people you thought were friends I can imagine how much that stung. in a positive light, I am proud of you for carrying on as usual it shows your strength and courage and I hope this small set back will inspire you even more creatively! Blessings to you sweet friend : )
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Erin…I am so sorry that you had “friends” that would do that to you. There is definitely some weird energy going around lately. And I believe it is just a chance for us to be even bolder in our dreams….especially when everything in the world is telling us we are crazy for it. I absolutely love your blog. I love that you share a spiritual aspect of mothering and that we share so many common interests, and even though I am not mainstream at all I know there are more out there like us. For me blogs like yours let me know that I am not alone. Keep being you. I love it! May you find strength in face of this adversity and know that it will only make you stronger and even more committed to doing what you love to do. I love that you have responded to this in such a positive way. Many blessings and love~
Elizabeth -
oh, this so made me mad! The fact that you know that person in real life makes me even more upset. I hate meanness.
I was drawn to your blog because you do write so openly and honestly. The first blog post I read was the one about when you had taken the fall which made you realized you needed to slow down. I felt that I was just about to take that same fall figuratively and reading your experience taught me a lot. I would not be one of your faithful blog readers if I did not gain something from it.
Even though we are thousands of miles away and will probably never meet in real person, I feel like i so know you – more than friends in my real life. It is my hope that you would never stop blogging. Keep sharing. Keep capturing all the moments of life.
I know those words still hurt though. You continuing to be you and sharing your story will eventually heal the wound. By the way, love the picture of you. (Have you always had a nose piercing? l love it)
xoxo
Denise -
You know I think you are awesome….but I wanted to tell the readers of the blog too. I think Erin is awesome!!!!
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Bravo!
Picture a large crowd giving you a standing ovation. I’m in the front row, shouting and clapping and blowing you kisses. -
Glad you didn’t dwell on that nonsense too long. Your blog is beautiful and inspiring. I enjoy opening up my ‘reader’ gmail link with a cup of tea and hearing/reading/seeing a short story by you. Keep following those dreams, you are helping me figure out mine along the way!
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Sounds like you were given the gift of insight into the thoughts and the loyalty of people you considered friends. What a beautiful gift! Now you know where not to expend any energy so more can go into your beautiful blog, creative photos, and other artistic pursuits. I LOVE what you do and I read your blog the moment it pops up on my blog roll and look forward to it every evening. I missed your posts!
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Grrr – feeling totally pissed off for you!
Isn’t it strange that there can be 100 people saying we’re great but we’ll listen hardest to the one person with something negative to say? What a small person to make fun of a friend (in public no less)!
Know that your work is appreciated. I have zero interest in farming yet I still read you posts about that and find it so compelling to hear about someone going after what is important to them. I especially like your posts on motherhood (which I can relate to) which give me hope on dark days.
Looking forward to your next retreat (and hoping I can make it). Sending good thoughts your way.
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::::::hugs::::::: to you, Erin, from the bottom of my heart. I love how honest and authentic you are in your documentation of your life – messes and all. I find daily inspiration in your words and pictures. i’m sorry that you’ve been so deeply hurt by people you trusted, but i know you will find the gift in this.
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WOW!!! First let me say what better way to say how strong you are than to put your self portrait on this post. I am such a big believer in self portratits so keep up those!
Secondly, I think the fear people have of putting themselves out there with their words and pictures is that it could go badly, in this way, and other ways. But the good that your words and pictures do…it is so much more important.
If we say things come to us at certain times, for certain purposes…why this, why now? I’m sure you know the answer.
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Oh Erin, life hurts sometimes and who knows why people take the time to tear someone else down. What a waste of energy. If you don’t like it you don’t have to read. End of story.
I for one am constantly inspired by you and I love having you as a blogging fellow blogging friend. I am so proud that you were able to process this so well and move forward.
much love.
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i was thinking about your blog name the other day and how just the name you chose reflects the depth of your understanding. What a perfect moment to exhale and return to center. Keep casting those pearls. You rock!
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Good for you for showing your readers how to handle such things with grace.
Love and light to the ‘friend’ – I hope that this person finds what they are missing in their life. I have no doubt that you will help them get there. It’s what you do.
xoxoxoxo
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Ooooh, that is so painful and I am so, so sorry. Try not to listen to lies.
I have had something similar happen to me recently, and it has taken me weeks to get over it. People can be very cruel! In my case, it’s someone I have to see on a regular basis and try to forgive awful words and hurtful things expressed. Hard but necessary.
Your blog is a beautiful expression of who you are – no one else could write it the way you do. It’s you!
You’re in my prayers,
Jamie -
I’m right there in the front row, with Z and we’re whooping it up for you.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us Erin.
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Well, I love your blog! I am always happy to see a new post in my blog reader.. so keep doing what you do and trust everything you said.. Hugs.
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WOW! it totally sucks when people are mean! esp. one’s considered “friends”
I too, was drawn to you for all the AMAZING things you radiate and your amazing talents…often each week I’m soo thankful to have you in my cyber-life..you’ve filled my heart with sunshine, by your words and photos..
I’m grateful that you are in my life. You have kept me believing in my dreams even when troubled times arouse..
shame on them!!!!!!!
I feel really sorry that they lack the ability to see all the love and light you
radiate.Please know you are loved and supported in a circle of light
Thank you Erin for all you do!
In gratitude,
Jen
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You just keep doing what you doing. For everyone one naysayer (boo!) there will be a whole bunch of us who will remain loyal to and inspired by you. Thank you for your beautiful blog!
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Hang in there. It can hurt when people who are “friends” don’t act like friends. It is sad that as adults we still have to go through the experiences we thought got left behind in childhood.
Meditate on your new path and prove those “friends” wrong.
You can do it! In fact you already have!
Keep up the good work. -
I love your blog! Thank you for sharing your life, your words, your photographs. HUGS to you.
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what goes around comes around…
everything is a reflection….
believe- that’s all that matters.peace, shannon
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The anonymity of the Internet does weird things to people. The very tool that brings people together also reveals how cruel and uncaring people can be when they think no one in looking. I’m so sorry you were the brunt of mocking. I adore your blog and I find much inspiration in your posts. Thank you for sharing your art with us! I especially love your farm stories and your adventures with the rolling pin ladies. Love and joy to you.
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I came by to let you know that I awarded you the Kreativ Blogger Award over at my blog and read this. It is sad to think that anyone would feel like they could get personal gain from doing something like this.
Be you. It is what will inspire people. It inspires me. Think too about how many people came to this blog from that forum and saw that the said poster had no clue what they were talking about. Maybe, someone found your blog and was inspired or uplifted by what they saw.
I just wrote last night about us being or becoming our words. Smile mama. You are doing what you know to be best. -
I think people like that are just too sad and miserable with their own lives! In the epitome of maturity I say you give them a giant WHATEVER!!!!! Your blog is wonderful! I love reading it! Your photographs and writing are amazing – I truly enjoy them! Thank you for doing this! I love reading about your lifestyle and dreams and aspirations – they are truly inspirational and I admit, I have a little envy about the convictions you have to the lifestyle you adhere to – many of the things you do are of great interest to me but I just don’t have the time or the drive to actually do them. But I love hearing about them here, from you. Everything about your blog is ’so you’ and I think it’s wonderful! Thanks for sharing!
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Enjoyed your words.
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My friend, I can’t even get all the thoughts running through my head about this post out for some reason. I read it this morning and have been thinking about you throughout the day. I still can’t find a way to express to you how my heart both feels your pain and swells with joy at the path you have chosen to take as your response. I couldn’t not leave a comment… but my words just haven’t caught up yet. You are in my heart and mind – I am so glad you are exactly who you are, and I that I have found a small link to you through this insightful, inspirational, courageous and beautiful blog.
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Yes, we *all* need to be ourselves!! Unfortunately, there are some people in this world who can only make themselves feel better by making someone else feel worse. To bad for them.
I haven’t been reading your blog for long, but it is one of my favorites, and I’m glad you’re out here in blogland sharing your beautiful life with us! Those of us who blog are constantly walking the line between sharing too much, and sharing enough to make our blogs (and our lives!) feel authentic. Please don’t stop! There are so many mothers of small children who, like us, are going through our lives trying to find some joy and beauty to hold on to when sometimes all we’re really feeling is stress!
I think your farm dreams, your chickens, your kids, your photos, and your Chuck Taylors are awesome!!!!
And I can’t wait to read your book!
Peace to you.
Namaste.
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Oh I am outraged. That is so terribly hurtful, shallow and … I am lost for words. I too want you to know that I really enjoy your blog. I love your photos, your words and I think the life you are leading is wonderful and very worthy of preserving here at exhale. return to centre. Truly, the amount of spite vented by some people under the pretence of “humour” really saddens me. Hold on to your farm dream and your dancing and your beauty. I’ll be here reading with delight and interest.
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It makes me so sad, that in our world, it is easier to pull people– especially kind, creative women– apart easier than it is to build them up. Blessings to you– and your dreams and your words.
Next week, I’m posting something that is not quite done brewing in my brain at the moment, that is aimed at this very subject.
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Erin, for every insensitive jerk like him, there are multiples more like us who support you and appreciate your creativity and leadership. Hope you are feeling the love and feeling better soon…
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Erin…I cried when I read your entry…tears of sadness that someone you considered a friend would forget their true nature enough to hurt you so and tears of joy that your response to being hurt was yet another beautiful and inspiring sharing. I can’t thank you enough for being who you are and sharing who you are in such an open way.
Much peace,
Tricia
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Oh my! That is just so astonishingly mean. I’m with your standing ovation. I have only recently discovered your blog but find it a beautiful and inspiring place to visit.
Take heart!
Michelle -
My own thoughts echo those written before me. All that needs to be said is that you do need to be you and that there are those people out there, like me and the ones above me, who truly value and appreciate what you have to say. It’s unfortunate that some people take such delight in breaking down others, but they can’t break people like you. So thank you for being you!
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Wow….I just found your blog through Kelli (Mountain Mama and mother extraordinaire) Nice to meet you!
One thing I value very much is honesty, especially in writing, and especially in a blog. I have found that I have grown tired of the shallow, glossed-over sales jobs that many blogs have become. May I tell you something my husband found somewhere? It goes as follows and I have no idea to whom belongs credit: “all criticism is self-criticism”. So, even though your so-called-friends’ behavior is disappointing and hurtful, it is more of a reflection of their weaknesses than yours.
Looks like you have much love and support. -
I’m more than a bit behind on my blog reading. I just wanted to say I love this post. You said it so beautifully and I think most bloggers can agree. :)
For what it’s worth, I enjoy your blog immensely.
~Tara
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So many good things said already, but I just wanted to add that I stop by often to read. I find your posts creative, diverse and inspiring. I’m glad you’re going to keep being you. Forget the others.
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Erin, you’re awesome! I love your blog.
Like your friend’s mean husband (who I’m imagining a totally normal, fine person caught in a rare ugly moment) I used to roll my eyes at people trying to do things to feed their souls…a tuneless neighbor who started playing guitar for one…earnestness made me uncomfortable. But all of that, of course, was my own problem with my own discomfort about my own earnestness. Now that I am out-of-the-closet earnest and not as interested in seeming a certain way, I always want to be around earnest people and so I devour this blog.
And on a technical note, I love the mix of high-resolution (ww?) professional-looking photos with the less sharp ones. These are the asymmetrical muffin tops, the chunks in the mashed potatoes, the fraying hems of the blog world–you can sense the humanity! The fact that YOU can do both kind of photography is to your credit, and even more the fact that you choose to include your less polished looking photos gives the blog such a good feeling.
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Some are sicker then others…try to have compasion…they need it! As for your blog, I just found it today and love it. I will return…with good thoughts and positive vibes. Keep up the wonderful work that makes you, you!
Peace,
Megan
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