Our 14 year-old dog, Gilligan, passed away earlier this week. These are (some of) the words my heart needed to write about the process of saying good bye and what I have learned about grief from this experience.
Right up until the end, even though walking (especially in icy conditions) was extremely challenging, Gilly was first in line to meet the kids’ bus.
* * * * *
I didn’t understand until I walked through it.
When other people’s pets died and there was a big to-do.
Cards, condolences, tears, grief.
I didn’t quite get it.
It’s a dog, I would think to myself as I looked on from the sidelines.
(I’m not even going to write the thoughts that went through the younger me’s mind when it was a cat that was being grieved.)
I simply didn’t get it. I just didn’t understand.
I remember the sadness I felt when my childhood dog died. I remember sitting on the stairs, crying as I waited for my dad to come home from the vet, hoping she would bound out of the car behind him like she had for so many years. I remember the vivid dreams of being in a big field and seeing her running towards me that I had for years.
But this time was different.
This time I was part of the grown-up team that had to make the tough decisions. This time I am the mom holding space for my little ones to be with their emotions.
This time I am consciously giving myself space to feel the feelings, cry the tears, and grieve, yes grieve, the loss of our family dog, our companion for the past 14 years.
This time I get it.
Animals are sentient beings and when we share our homes and our lives with them, our energies and emotions become deeply intertwined.
For many of us, our pets are part of our family — and saying goodbye to a member of our family is a tremendous loss.
I am also finding (once again, as I did three years ago when my Auntie Rita passed away) that grieving one loss reopens past losses in my heart. It also stops time and shines a deeper level of awareness of my own mortality and the passage of time.
This time I am taking great comfort in words of condolences that are being expressed – by neighbors out walking their own dogs, by friends and family, and by kind-hearted souls I have never met but have connected with via this magical world of the Internet.
This time I understand just how important these words and the love that is behind them are and how deeply healing they can be.
And I am very grateful for time and space to grieve our loss.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I was coming online to let you know I was thinking about you. Serendipitously, I see this first. So, know that I am thinking about you and sending you more love.
Thank you so much, Flo.
This made me smile. (A big the Universe is a magical, gorgeously connected place smile.)
xo
~erin
I am sorry for your loss, Erin. We have had our family dog for only a year now, and every day I am surprised by how beautifully he has woven himself so into our lives and our hearts. I am especially delighted and yet mystified by this relationship because until this dog came, I hadn’t had a pet for 30 years. I didn’t understand people’s feelings for their pets, but I now do.
My thoughts are with all of you. A tremendous loss deserves tremendous space. Take your time, my friend. xoxo
We lost our beloved Moose on December 4th. I am still grieving, still trying to cope with this loss and emptiness our family feels. We miss him so much. Time is healing our wounds a bit, but it’s still so very hard. I can honestly say, I know how you feel. The words of my blog followers helped me so much. I go back and re-read them and smile and cry. He’ll forever be in our hearts just as I’m sure Gilly will be in yours. My deepest condolences. In my thoughts. Lisa
Thinking of you, Erin, and sending big love. Along with space to feel and grieve, beautiful support, and time. xoxo
Hey Erin, sending you a big hug and some healing wishes. I just went through this loss recently. I think you just never know until it happens in your own home. Someone said to me recently, that besides your spouse and any kids that live at home, you see the dogs the most. Anyway, I hope the memories will soon take a place in your heart and help just a bit.
I had a cat Tabitha, she wasn’t supposed to be my cat, but my sister’s, but for some reason she really adopted me, she came into my life when I was 6 and left my life 19 years later..she is in almost every part of my childhood, playing in the woods, following me to the bus stop, waiting for me when I came home. Guarding me when I was outside, snuggling up with me when she was allowed inside. I still dream about her, I was devastated when she was gone, cried for a week..I had almost decided I would never have another cat again, but then a gray, spirited Murple cat, walked into my apartment and my life and you know how obsessed I am about that fuzzy loving creature.
Pets are a wonderful gift, even if they break your heart a bit when they leave, Murple has taught my daughter to be gentle and to have some control when she pets her, and what it is life to have some unconditional furry love. I can’t even think about her being gone with out bursting into pregnancy hormonal tears..
They always steal a little piece of our hearts, if I could I would have a ton of them.
Oh it’s such sadness to lose a good dog! Even if it’s their time. Those furry bodies bring so much love into the house. I still miss my last two dogs — they both died at 15 — and it’s been several years now.
Love to you! May the storm go gently on everyone!
Oh, Erin, I’m so sorry for your loss. Our “puppy”, my first dog, is 2.5 years old and already I can’t imagine him being gone, and reading things like this makes me cry. Makes me remember other pets who have gone. When my first cat died, I cried for months!
And I think your dreams of your childhood dog running to you in the field were visitations from her spirit. Love goes on.
Many hugs to you and yours.
Erin & John,
so many wonderful time with Gil and Lucky. Very special pup that will be missed.
I was very luck to have know him.
oh how I know how close pets can be as family.I cried when my gerbil died,I was in my 40′s. I cried for 3 days when my bunny hershey died. She lived loose in the house and was litter trained. She played games with me every day. I started and ended each day with her. I need to have life around me. I now have 3 cats all I rescued before they made it into the shelter system,One love bird I rescued from the shelter and a tank of of fish. They make every day richer in my life.
Sorry the family lost a family member and thats what your dog was…a sweet part of life. When the time is right you will rescue another dog and your children will learn about that and continue the love they just lost. Aunt Gail